So like most people at one time or another, I am going through a bit of a lull… a lull in the personal life that is. Well… no. I do have a personal life, however if you were to string all the days together in a row, I doubt I would make an entire week.
I thought during the games it would be fun! It would be great that there are all these guys here from out of town & think of all the people I can kiss….and then I got sick. I go sooo sick that I was flat on my back for an entire day where I tried watching Canada vs Russia but my head hurt so much that I had the volume off & was notified that we scored when I heard the cheering on the streets.
But I wasn’t down for very long. One thing I loved about the games was that you would put on your red sweatshirt & a toque & you’re good to go. Three weeks of not dressing up & drinking beer is GLORIOUS! However, I do like to dress up as i wear pjamas all day long while I work. So the last Saturday of the games, I thought to do er up. My friend hosted a party at Capones so it seemed fitting to put the sweatshirt away in place of a shirt that showcases the girls in all their glory.
So I went out w/ (insert 2 new characters here: McClinch & Jerk My Tits Off….. No lie, this is her nick name. Her last name sounds like this & she was called this in highschool. It cracks me up every time i get a text from her & I see this name). So we went to the swedish party where I got talked up by a guy only to have him use me to gain access to my friend.
It’s not the end of the world. It didn’t help that the wednesday before this, I was talking to another guy for a while at the Manitoba Social & they asked me abruptly if she had a boyfriend (however, his buddy had been talking to her when Steve walked up put his arm around her & kissed her cheek). So after 2x it is a bit ego deflating but whatever, you shake it off & get a drink which would have been fine except for the guy that bumped me, looked at me and replies “I didn’t bump you” and then proceeds to elbow me in the stomache.
Now, if that wasn’t a ‘what the f•ck moment’ then I don’t know what is.
It was here we decided to change venues. Jerk my tits off has given her number to a boy so we decided to flee to the Ontario Pavillion (cheapest beer during the games!) which had a much better atmosphere. Everyone was happy to be there. Everyone is a party mood & we actually met the guy who was the brain child behind the red bay mittens.
What makes me a sick individual is that I find this hot. I must be a graphic/marketing nerd if I’m turned on by an idea that garners a big ROI. However, I didn’t go there. They were just nice guys to chat with (this was just my shameful confession) when i was tapped on the shoulder. This drunk guy in a canadian jersey informed me I was the hottest girl he has seen & wants his picture with me. I decide, ok and pose with him.
Just as the camera is about to click he leaned in & tried to lick my boobs.
No lie.
Went for it.
I slapped him in the head. The best part was that he didn’t have any reaction. He just looked a little stunned like when a cat runs into the wall & walked off.
So last Friday night when I was getting ready for my friend’s birthday and was trying on shirts, I remembered that night & thought best to hang up the gray boobie shirt & opt for the blue blousy tube top.
It however, didn’t get the reaction I was hoping for either.
No… I’ve turned into old man attractor.
I didn’t really know anyone at M’s birthday so his girlfriend sat at the end of the table with me & her client who also didn’t know anyone. However, seeing as she was the hostess, she had to get up often to tend to things leaving me with Phillip (side bar.. hate that name. I always think it’s a weak man’s name).
I casually for whatever reason mention Turks & Caicos & he is stunned that I’ve heard of such a place (really? who hasn’t heard of it?) so had to go on telling me how he met the designer of Von Dutch bathing suits & they ran the NY marathon together bla bla bla… then asked what I do. I reply explaining not only am I a graphic designer but who my clients are etc… his response?
You have nice hair.
Yes… he commented on my hair. For like 10 minutes. it is a good colour. It is a a good cut. It matches my skin tone perfectly and well, he should know! he matches tones all day as he is a denturist. Then he asks if my hairdresser cuts mens hair. I say yes.. He then informs me he should give me his card & i can email him her information.
I pause & ask why don’t I just give you her number now? He looks at me & I catch on to what he is doing so I say “sure” and take his card.
Dinner finally arrives and he insists on feeding me food off his plate. Cuts his steak & feeds me.
Ok.. can i say that Phillip is a dork? I suppose he won’t see this but dude is short (like really short) and nice denim jacket dude. Not to mention, just a dweeb. He can’t be over 50 but still too old for me. Mr Big, he is not.
So after we finish eating, I excuse myself & go to the washroom, when I get out, I decide I should say hi to M’s dad as I’ve known this family for years and even spend the occasional holiday with them.
I have never talked about M’s dad which is too bad because he is a cartoon onto himself.
I have never met anyone that waxes on for as along about themselves about being cool as this man does. Oh.. back in the day, he was sooooo cool b/c he would just hop on a plane & end up in Hong Kong or New York!
Oh.. back in the day, he dated P Anderson. (true.. before baywatch but he did.. could have been one time).
However, this night he was carrying on about Elle McPherson & restaurants he used to dine in that he had no business being in but it was so cool (cool is a very big word for him).
He informed me that ‘the best decision I made all night was leaving that end of the table & coming down here… I noticed you when you came in & thought you looked great. Now you’re away from that guy and sitting here’
yea yea yea….. You learn how to listen to this guy talk after some time. You just nod & smile & ensure you have a lot of drink left in your glass so you can sit through his stories. Several years ago at a party at a bar, he tried to explain to me how he used to be ‘a bit of a rogue’
A good indication of how I’m doing is to always look at my foot. If I’m twirling my foot a lot, usually means I’m uncomfortable & am faking enthusiasm…. I’m twirling my foot madly.
Luckily, guess what? I have to pay my bill.
So I leave Mr. Rogue & head to the bar to use the machine. He follows me.
It is here where he decided to inquire.
..
..
..
…
“Have you ever thought there would be an evening or a night”
I cut him off & ask if evenings aren’t night?
he looks at me & proceeds
“Have you ever thought there was a night were you & me……..”
I stop twirling my foot.
I stop breathing
I stop keeping my supper down… did he just ask what I think he asked?????????????
The pause was long enough for him to say, “Ok… that answers that.”
I follow that with…. “I have one thing to say to all that”
He asks “What?”
I say LOUDLY “YOU’RE SUNNY’S DAD!!!!”
I mean.. this is my friend’s dad. I’ve known them for 13 years and EW! NO! EW! I spend holidays with you people.
He seems upset that I bring up this very fact & insists that he thought there was a time when I thought about it. (what???? ok, if you need this, have it).
However, I could have done without him furthering that by informing me that when he has sex with a woman, it is all about her.
It has been 4 days, and I have yet to eat. Can’t keep anything down.
I figure I need a style makeover…. any takers?