When you meet three guys you accompany them back to their hotel so they can drug you….Naturally.
I believe ABC had shown an after school special along this same theme in the 80′s but since my mother had me scheduled in all sort of activities, I missed that episode and found my self 20 years later hallucinating on the floor of a hotel room just off Robson street. This is yet another memorable adventure with Webdog & is pack of gap-wondered friends.
(They are originally from Saskatchewan. For those not in Canada, Sask is commonly referred to as the gap as essentially there is NOTHING THERE and between west & eastern Canada. They didn’t even get ticket master til recent years (maybe after 2000? that’s how little anything happens there).
As I mentioned I hadn’t been able to pry myself off the couch the night following the U2 concert. I did promise with futility that I would make it out on the Friday night and after a LONG day of work, I made my way over to Kettle of Fish where I was regaled with stories in addition to being taunted for the slow dancing with & kissing webdog (which is still don’t to this day believe actually happened. I’ve since then made jokes about it & he will at first not know what I’m referring to so that pretty much confirms it for me).
The boys told me I should take them somewhere. Based on what they had done the day before, I took them to the one place I thought they’d enjoy…. The Cecil (one of Vancouver’s most famous strip bars).
Side Bar: I’m sitting in my client’s office today, a vice president of a financial company, and there sitting right in the corner of his desk is a VIP pass to the Cecil. I may have laughed except for the fact he is an overweight, unattractive oaf whom you know pays ‘ladies’ to keep him company. I pulled all the vomit back down my throat & tried to concentrate on my meeting.
They have renovated that place & I have to say it is weird. They are trying to make it more of a dance club (granted the dancers wear lingerie and take their clothes off if you toss loonies at them). We stayed for a couple of shows & decided that was enough boobies for one night & headed to Yaletown Brew Pub however this still didn’t seem to settle them down. I tried to ply them with shooters but to no avail, they were not content. NO… they wanted to go back to their room. You see, they had been shopping in Gastown & for the couple of weed fiends that were present, being in BC has it’s advantages.
So I agreed to go with them as they were totally harmless. They were like hanging out with your brother and his guy friends. As we were making our way back they started to ask if I was going to try Salvia.
Salvia?
Yes.. Salvia.. They just bought it that afternoon and it’s fine. It’s legal. (insert forshadowing)
um… ok?
We go to the room. Everyone who wanted to, had their weed. I looked at Webdog & said, “I will try this Salvia if you do it as well, because I don’t want to be on my own wave length & then get paranoid that everyone thinks I’m weird”. (I love my logic. I love that I’m more concerned about being the only having some. I could have opted out but then what would I be currently writing about. The fact that no one else was doing any should have tipped me off)
He agrees & Mur packs the bong with Salvia.
Now it should be here where I mention that Ferris Bueller’s Day off is on the television. We are at the part where Jenny is at the police station talking to Charlie Sheen. This is important so keep that in mind because this is when Mur walks over to me so I can take a hit off the bong.
Now first of all.. I’ve never taken a hit off a bong. So I’m worried that it won’t work. Secondly, I’m thinking “whatever! It’s legal….. and I think it…. how bad could it be?”
Famous… FAMOUS last words because as before I could finish exhaling the smoke from my mouth, did I leave my chair and get sucked into the seam of the carpet. (no really…. I was part of the flooring)
I got sucked into the carpet and the room became a diorama of sorts where no one I knew was around me. The bustle that was going on outside on Robson street was life as I knew it and apparently I was leaving that dimension. I was to be entering this new dimension with these 3 strangers who were to become my new family and absolutely everyone I knew previously would be a faint memory if at all of déja vous. All I could feel was panic.
How would this happen? Well, you see.. the reason I was sucked into the carpet was also partly because I was now a zipper in the fabric .. or, rather I was one of the metal heads up the side of the zipper. The contraption that sews the 2 sides together was making it’s way down. So really, I only had moments left with the world as I knew it. Which is also part of the reason for the panic as I have not yet said goodbye to anyone. However, at the very same time realizations of “this is what happens to everyone” is being peppered through my conciousness too. It was though I was having a giant epiphane that we don’t die but rather we transform our energy into another form. I was trying to resist this by opening my eyes & talking but it was futile. I would try to sit up & kept being pulled back down. In a blurry, cartoon way the faces around me were talking but their faces were malted into the metal so it appeared as other heads of the zipper speaking.
Then finally, one of the other zipper pieces say to me “Don’t worry… everything is going to be ok”. Which seemed to calm me down as that fellow zipper head was apparently a brother and it was comforting to think there was family there that said it was going to be fine which equated it to it being so. I replied “ok, I’m just going to relax” and accepted the fact I was going to die.
This is when I came to & the first thing I did was look at the TV. Remember where we were in Ferris Bueller? Yes, we are now at the part where Jenny is now driving her mother home from the police station. That’s how long this lasted….. only minutes! It felt like a lifetime! (there could have been a commercial)
It then it occurs to me that they were playing one gigantic prank on me & I start telling them that I hated them in between my fits of giggles. (massive fits to the point of hyper ventiallting) I could not control myself because I am coming to & realizing that no, I’m not dying and no… I’m not a zipper (can’t decide really which part I was more relieved by). Mur escorted me to the chair as I was on the floor. Apparently I had laid down (sucked in carpet) after I had asked for something to drink. Mur had gone to the kitchen to get me a pepsi, came back, saw me on the floor & tried to calm me down by spooning me & telling me it was going to be ok. This is what calmed me down.
I was totally embaressed. Not only because I thought Iwas a mechanical object but because.. well, before I took the hit, I had a striking urge to pee. I thought, “I’ll do the hit & then go to the bathroom” because, well, if it was like weed, I would still be able to function!!! No.
Didn’t happen. During my panic & then sudden acceptance of my fate my thought process evolved to “If I’m going to die, why would I hold my bladder?”
When I told everyone I was ‘just going to relax’ I was worried I really did. The cold sweat that I had accumulated didn’t help me discern what was going on in my pants so I decide to feel it out. (This is one reason you shouldn’t do drugs with strangers, you can’t come to & ask: hey! did I wet myself?) So I say: “I have to go to the bathroom, but would it would be weird if I did.”
Finally a comment comes from the couch from Benjamin. He is cradling his head in his hands and was avoiding looking at me. He awkwardly peeked thru his fingers to reply, “It would be weirder if you didn’t”.
This confirmed my worst fears….. I urinated. I urinated all over the floor. They tried to dismiss the notion of me doing anything stupid while I was hallucinating so I sheepishly walk to the bathroom. Of course I was on the far side of the room adjacent to the bathroom and have to walk past all three of them. I really wanted to side step my way across the room. I probably could have & it wouldn’t have added to the oddity of the evening. To much of my relief (excuse the pun), I was only in one hell of a cold sweat.
I asked about 8 more times if I did anything stupid. They adamantly refuted I did anything dumb. I only went and laid on the floor.
When it was time to go home, Webdog was worried about me walking home. I was more worried about me going to sleep that night. At that point the only thing scarier then the west end at 3am was my subconscious.
In fear of sleeping, I went straight to wikipedia & found the following:
Psychedelic experiences are necessarily somewhat subjective and variations in reported effects are to be expected. Aside from individual reported experiences there has been a limited amount of published work summarising the effects. D.M. Turner‘s book Salvinorin—The Psychedelic Essence of Salvia Divinorum quotes Daniel Siebert’s summarisation, mentioning that the effects may include:[67
- Uncontrollable laughter
- Past memories, such as revisiting places from childhood memory
- Sensations of motion, or being pulled or twisted by forces
- Visions of membranes, films and various two-dimensional surfaces
- Merging with or becoming objects
- Overlapping realities, such as the perception of being in several locations at once
Ok.. check to all of the above…
and then another site goes on to say:
Guidelines
Salvia can produce a very unique, mind-altering experience. Therefore it is extremely important to choose the right time and place before using it. Make sure you are in a safe and private place with people you know well. Choose your dose without underestimating the powerful effects salvia may cause. After taking the salvia, lie down on a couch or bed for the duration of the experience and close your eyes.
If you are new to salvia or if you are taking a high dose, always make sure a sitter is present. There is a risk of a person losing awareness. A sitter should be sober and supportive, and preferably have some experience with salvia. His role is to keep you from hurting yourself or others, without interfering too much in the experience. He should also reassure you when you feel dissociated or disoriented. Finally, a sitter can also helpful in recalling the experience afterwards.
Other risks
Do not use salvia when dangerous objects (knifes etc.) are within easy reach. Do not drive when or directly after taking Salvia divinorum. Use your common sense.
Pregnant or breast-feeding women should not take any substance except on medical advice. We strongly recommend that any woman who could possibly be pregnant NOT use salvia. Salvia should not be given to minors, mentally unstable or violent people.
Awesome. So much for thinking that nothing legal would f me up to much. The boys woke up the next day & looked at the packaging (there’s something I want to design for) and it clearly states: not for first time users!!! In between their laughter… they apparently felt bad. I had the last laugh when I sent the redneck boys to the Elbow Room for breakfast. I wanted them to see how it felt to be bent over for a little while.